Three Years

Three years ago today I let doctors hack into my heart (via my femoral artery) and fix the constant chipmunk beating. The day after the surgery, I wrote an email to some friends cataloging my favorite moments of the surgery, which I give you below.

(Also worth noting is that the day of the surgery is the first time the Boss met my parents -- and he had to spend 12 hours with them making small talk while I was out of commission. I think our marriage was probably a forgone conclusion after that; I mean, how else are you going to get a return on investment?)

Anyway, my thoughts on the surgery, as expressed by me 3 years ago:

My favorite moments of the surgery, in no particular order:
1) Drugs. Drugs are cool.


2) Being consistently reminded that I'm like, the youngest person ever, in the cardiac ward.


3) Before the procedure I was asking when I could be up and about again and the guy was like "No running for at least a week". So, I'm ok and saying "Huh. Yeah, prob. no biking either." him: "Yeah." me "Hmmm.... could I swim?" him: "Nah, you prob shouldn't -- what the hell is wrong with you? Take a week off for crying out loud! Jeez. sit on the couch and get fat like a real American. Sheesh"


4) I was more or less totally sedated the whole time (and totally restrained on the table), but every now and then I'd get un-woozy and look up from the table and start checking things out, going "Hey, what's the monitor; what's that thing to" and the next thing I'd feel is warmth running through the IV and the world getting woozy again. Yup. They were shutting me up via meds. Ok by me!


5) They kept shocking my heart to make it chimpunk, and once they got it going, they couldn't get it to stop (umm...yeah, that's why I'm here...), so the doc leans over and we have the following conversation:
Doc: "Ok, we need to stop then restart your heart. Have you ever had a shot of adenosine?"
Me: "Many, many times"
Doc: "Great then you know what to expect"
Me: "Yes. It feel like a mack truck is downshifting on your chest"
Doc: "Exactly. Deep breath .... [push the plunger]"


6) After the procedure was done, the heart tech. runs out and puts a pen into my hand. His comment? "You gave me your heart, I gave you a pen." Awesome

"It's Not About The Bike" in 140 characters or less - Lance on Twitter

So, Lance Armstrong's on Twitter-- he updates like 20 times a day -- and posted this pic

It must be so surreal to know your words are that important to people. Guys, let me know if you have this blog on you when you get blown up in Iraq. I'll sign it for ya.

Anyway, despite the cliche of someone who likes her bike liking a Lance Armstrong book (which I think makes me a certified tri geek), I still recommend this book to anyone who will listen. It's a book about being so sick that you think you won't ever be well, depression in losing a sense of self through sickness, and then getting over it. Oh yeah, it's also about being a kick ass athlete and what it takes to be at the top of one's game.

I related. When I look back to the time directly after I got out of the hospital, I wince in remembrance. I struggled -- unknowingly -- for a long time to regain the sense of self that I lost when I got really sick. It's clear to me in retrospect but at the time I was just living day by day, completely unaware of how much pain I was really in.

Of course, I didn't have to win the Tour de France to get over 'it' -- nor am I a kick ass athlete -- but then, I wasn't mostly dead with cancer, so I think its all proportional.

It was hard to get through at parts, but I think it may be one of the loveliest books I have ever read.

Oh, How Man Has Fallen

Snerk

Elizabeth Lewis, You are an Ironman

"How do you know if you are ready to go long? You don't. You commit, you train, and you pray" -Going Long

It was amazing, humbling, wonderful, painful and basically the best day ever.

People keep remarking in a surprised fashion that I look so happy in all the pictures. One of my friends and fellow racers said to me last night: "I just can't believe how happy you look. How could you look like you're having so much fun during the race?"

What can I say? Six years ago I was told I'd never be healthy enough to run a marathon, three years ago I had heart surgery, and for the past two years I've been sitting on the sidelines watching others finish race after race; how could I be anything BUT happy while racing an Ironman? Any day you get a chance to do what you once thought impossible, you'd better smile.

I'm proud of myself. With a little planning, a little luck, a lot of support, and the unwavering belief that putting one foot in front of the other will get you where you need to go, I really believe you can do anything.

Ironman Weekend

I can't believe it's almost here. Just under a year ago I registered for Ironman Arizona, and in just a few days I will actually be at Ironman Arizona. Crazy. As they say, the days have been long but the year has been short.

I'm sad it's going to be over. Sure, training for an ironman is life crushing and limiting in many ways, but I was just really starting to enjoy the training and really feel like I was getting the hang of it. I will miss this goal when it's gone.

A few weeks ago I said to a friend: "You know, I'm pretty sure I can finish the race, but now I'm wondering why I'd WANT to". I've done a few ultra long distance type races and training, and man, struggling to finish can just hurt. I know I can do it, but I'm trying to remember why I want to. But that was a few weeks ago. Now I'm just curious as hell to see how it goes.

It'll be a long day. It's not going to be very pretty. But I know that no matter how I do on Sunday, I know I will want to do better. I'm sure I'll be back to Ironman.

What A Difference A Gay Makes

I got engaged this week.

That’s happy news. I’m very happy. I’ve been excited and distracted for two days. The Boss and I keep looking at each other and grinning. It feels peaceful, settled. It feels good.

Now, I’m happy, but I’m not surprised. I wasn’t unsure about him or us. We made it through a deployment to Iraq and back discussing our lives individually and what they meant for our lives collectively. We discussed finances, children, religion. Our families have welcomed us into their fold. A few months ago we bought a house together, and given the state of both the economy and the divorce rate, I’d argue committing to a mortgage is a bigger commitment than a marriage. So I’m not surprised that we’re engaged, but I’m so happy, and so excited. I often wondered if engagement/marriage would feel different than just co-home ownership/dog ownership. Now that I’m here, I realize: it is different. It feels different. After a fabulously selfish decade of young adulthood, I’m committed to something bigger than myself, and it feels wonderful.

But, I also feel like a little bit of an asshole. The morning after our engagement, I excitedly posted to Facebook my updated relationship status and spent the day posting back and forth with friends who were happy for us. It was a great feeling, until I realized: this was the same day Prop 8 officially passed in CA. While I was shouting from the rooftops the news of my upcoming marriage, some of my friends were being stripped of the right to marry at all.

The Boss asked me why I hadn’t blogged about our engagement. I didn’t really have an answer for him, except that, in a very small way , I’m a little ashamed. I’m a more privileged member of this country than some of my friends, and, as excited as I am to be getting married, I don’t feel good about flaunting that. I don’t even feel good about knowing that.

So, in addition to registering for plates and immersion blenders and whatever else Williams Sonoma will convince us we cannot start married life without, I’d like to also register as many votes as possible to the repeal of the amendments in California, Florida, Arizona, and everywhere else that honestly believes my relationship is more valid than the next. And I’d also just like to acknowledge to my friends that: I get it. I get how much this sucks. And I am so, so sorry.

Because I’m all into reposting other people’s eloquent thoughts, I thought I’d share with you what Eric has to say:

That's the story of how, last night, I was inspired to believe in America again. But it wouldn't last. Because in the same night that we elected the first black President, California voters passed Prop 8 eliminating marriage for same-sex couples. Because at a time when America finally seems ready to set aside our petty differences, and come together to elect a man President who at one point would not have been allowed to vote in this country, at least everyone can agree that we hate queers.

No matter how you feel about gay marriage, I think it should absolutely scare the hell out of you that California is amending its state constitution to take rights away from a class of people. And I’m not quite sure why 50% of the state of California isn’t concerned.

(Florida, don’t think I don’t see you there too. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did. Good LORD I don’t know what is happening to this country.)

Today was a good day

I'm reposting this from Linda, because it sums up much, much better than I can how I felt today when I voted:

I teared up a little casting my ballot, I'm not going to lie.
It was…unexpected. I have seen patriotism so mistreated as a concept in the last... well, twenty years or so, I guess, that it's made me really reluctant to think a lot about how much I love the country, how much it means to me, how much I hope for it to do good things and how much it bothers me when I feel like things are going wrong. That I do have an American identity, and that I see myself as part of a nation, as much as it sometimes makes me uncomfortable to be associated with particular leaders and actions.

I haven't voted for a successful presidential candidate in twelve years. I have felt endlessly thwarted and heartbroken, and maybe I will again today. But I just felt very…honored and happy to be there, feeling like casting that vote was one of the most genuinely American things I was ever going to have the opportunity to do. I know how corny that sounds, I really do. But that was how I felt. I felt so much relief at the thought that whether he wins or loses, Obama has really revitalized American progressivism, and that he's just brought so much enthusiasm to civic life, where most of civic life while I've been an adult has been made up of telling people to hate government. I am, at heart, even more of a good-government geek than I am a progressive, and the idea of someone so smart and capable and gifted even being available to me as a presidential candidate just made my little heart burst with joy.

Yes We Carve

Just saw this website where people can go to "download and share their 'Barack O'Lantern'". (I love a good pun so much I'd like this even if I didn't like Obama! )

Makes me wish I had both pumpkin and artistic ability.

Thank you, General Powell

So, I'm like, a week behind the news cycle on this, but: THANK YOU, General Powell.

I didn't see Meet the Press when he was on it (ok, I never watch Meet the Press, so this shouldn't be surprising), but when I finally got around to watching the replay of his interview, I found myself almost in tears, mostly specifically at this part:

“ ‘Well, you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, he is not a Muslim. He’s a Christian. He’s always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer’s no. That’s not America. Is something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim-American kid believing that he or she could be president?”

Why has it taken so long for someone to say this? I'm reminded of hearing Ann Richards speak once, about how campainging in Texas, one of the tactics used against her by the Bush campaign were flyers left on voters cars, informing the voters that she employed homosexuals. And by all accounts, it was successful. People in Texas didn't want to vote for someone who was OK with homosexuals. I'm amazed that the public as a whole isn't enraged at being so manipulated.

What a horrible way to profit from attitudes we should be ashamed of. We all have our prejudices that influence how we see and treat the world, but I cannot believe that we as a country celebrate them and condone them -- we should be working to overcome them! We should be ashamed of ourselves, that we think this is acceptable behavior, this hate mongering. That we've bought into the idea that these "accusations" ('He's Muslim!" "She knows gay people!") would sway us as voters -- and maybe it does, as evidenced by the fact that the Obama campaign removed woman in headscarves from a TV cameras line of sight lest America see him with "them". I know deep down that we as a country are better than that, but I also know that the Obama campaign has no reason to trust that we are. Maybe it's time that we gave him a reason to.

So, thank you, General Powell, for reminding us that we should hold ourselves to a higher standard, that our personal unease with a specific ethnicity, religion or way of life is not something that should be exploited for political gain. We deserve better from people who are asking for our vote, but more importantly we deserve better from ourselves.

Schedule for the Day

5am: 9 mile run
9am: House closing
10-3pm: Move
3:30-6pm: Work, finish deliverable
6:30pm: Swim
8pm: Unpack

Somewhere in there, I'm pretty sure I should sleep.

Anyway, busy day! But glad to have it. The new house (condo) is AMAZING and while I'm sure in time I'll learn why it isn't, right now it's a little slice of heaven.

Question

Does my overwhelming desire to place my friend's child in this halloween costume make me the coolest babysitter ever, or the friend least likely to be invited back to the house?

Tour de Awesome

Well, after last week's bitch and moan session, I then went on to have one of my favorite days in recent memory. I headed out to Maryland's Western Shore for a supported Century (100 miles) bike ride. This is about an hour away from DC but is basically a totally different planet -- completely rural, totally beautiful. And hilly. Lord, was it hilly.

Anyway, about 8 or so DC Tri club people all converged at 8am to tackle the 100, with a few people going the 60 or 80 mile routes. Amazing to me how having company for these long rides make the hours just melt away. It was a gorgeous fall day, the scenery was beautiful, the company great. I felt in a great mood the entire day, despite the fact that it was 6 hours of relentless cycling. This ride was a huge confidence booster for the upcoming Ironman, in addition to be a really pleasant way to socialize with my friends. It was a perfect day.

Checking In

A friend of mine mentioned to me last weekend that he thinks American women are having an identity crisis because they have so many options they have a hard time feeling fulfilled in any one choice. Now, he was saying this in regards to the “do I work or stay at home with kids” aspect, but I’m feeling it even now, in my mid 20s, kid-less and with the whole world in front of me.

I’m very close to life-collapse, and it’s solely my own doing. I thought for awhile that I needed to do a better job expending energy on only the things that matter, until I realized that there’s nothing on my list that DOESN’T matter to me. My full time job, ironman training, and social community are things that make my life mine, but they are also completely exhausting me.

Allow me to whine:
<>
I want to be successful at my job, and am given opportunities every day to kick butt. But I also want to be successful at Ironman, and training every morning before work and evening after work leaves me fatigued and hungry AT work, making it hard to muster the energy to deliver a superior work product.

I’m moving in exactly two weeks, and haven’t even begun to pack. And I don’t know when I will, as I’ll be out of town next weekend, and training this weekend. I’ve got book club in a month, but I haven’t finished the book from LAST month, let alone found the time to order the new one; this is made even MORE pathetic when you know that my brother actually bought me an Amazon.com Prime account and it’s not like I’m paying for shipping.

< /whine>

I know that this is a temporary state – IM training will pass and be replaced with athletic training less strenuous, work will similarly ebb and flow, moving will be complete and life will feel settled again. But that’s not the point of the bigger problem: I can choose to IM train or not. I can choose a more challenging but more rewarding position at work, or not. I can get an MBA, or not. I can choose to spend weekends traveling to see my large and geographically diverse family, or not. I can say no to any and all of the wonderful options in front of me, but for now I seem to be choosing to …not.

But maybe, as it is with product development, you much successful in regards to what you DO choose to do as you are successful in regards to what you do NOT choose to do. Apple didn’t develop a PDA and a “pretty good” cell phone…they focused completely on the phone. Maybe it’s time to Microsoft Project my available life hours.

But no matter what I choose, I’m pretty sure the correct choice at this very moment is stop procrastinating and get back to work.

May Your House Always Be Too Small For All Your Friends

I saw a greeting card in a store just this weekend that said "May Your House Always Be Too Small For All Your Friends". This sentiment really hit home with me, especially considering I had just bought a house (condo) the day before.

The Boss and I purchased -- against all the doom and gloom advice of TV Financial Pundits -- a condo that, amazingly, hit all our widgets for what we wanted in a home. In DC. Dog friendly. Running/Cycling friendly. Quiet street, but walking distance to urban frenzy. Safe neighborhood. Tons of space. Near our friends.

Now, that last criteria we both mentioned with a little hesistation. Should we really decide where to live based on where our friends live? It seemed a little silly to let your friend's house buying decisions dictate your own.

Except, not really. While The Boss and I enjoy each others company, and hope to spend many years with each other, I don't think we pretend that our social needs are met exclusively by each other. In a great article published by the New York Times, the "isolation of marriage" is discussed, and it mentions:

Until 100 years ago, most societies agreed that it was dangerously antisocial, even pathologically self-absorbed, to elevate marital affection and nuclear-family ties above commitments to neighbors, extended kin, civic duty and religion.

These social committments -- family, neighbors, community -- are important to us, and we don't want to isolate ourselves away from it. As much as we enjoy a quiet dinner together, we want a kitchen table that can fit our families and our friends.

The article continues on to say:

Instead, we should raise our expectations for, and commitment to, other relationships, especially since so many people now live so much of their lives outside marriage. Paradoxically, we can strengthen our marriages the most by not expecting them to be our sole refuge from the pressures of the modern work force. Instead we need to restructure both work and social life so we can reach out and build ties with others

Now, I don't think for a second either one of us consciously thought that we can strengthen our relationship by living in a neighborhood that we already claim as part of our community. And when I look for comfort in my home, I want to come home to him, not all my neighbors. But I'm glad that we chose a place near a community that we feel we have ties to. And I hope that no matter where we live, our home is always too small for all of our friends.

Parenting Seems Hard

Outed

I got a text this morning from my brother, saying "Why didn't you tell me you had a blog?? I thought we were friends!!!"

Indeed. I am fully embarrassed that he found my blog without my pointing it to him. See, I started this blog because I realized that in the course of Ironman training, I've stopped reading newspaper, books, watching news, or talking to people about anything except training. While browsing at Barnes and Noble with a friend, I commented that "I think I intellectually peaked in college," and part of me believes that is true. I just don't take the time to read new things, digest information, and engage in conversation about ideas that aren't related to work and training. I've feel like I've become your stereotypical dumb jock.

Well, when I started this blog, I wasn't sure what I would do with it (if anything), so I didn't really tell anyone about it. Maybe I was a little scared that I didn't have anything to offer. Of course, that hasn't stopped anyone else from blogging, so I don't know why it would stop me...

Anyway, when you sign in to Blogger to comment on someone's blog, it "outs" you for having a blog. And thus my brother's text to me this morning.

So here I am, outed. I suppose it's time to start posting more than once a month.

Clearly, The Editors of USA Today Are Not Gay Males

If they were, I doubt they would have run last week's headline: "Can Michael Phelps Be Topped?"

Well, it's about time...

... that I found a better way to procrastinate. Clearly, the only option was a blog.

Not sure what this is going to be or where I want to take it, so until then, it's template city and I'm the mayor.